


Memories

by karog



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Rape, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-22 06:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3718045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karog/pseuds/karog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Evelyn was raped. Cullen wants to be there for her but what he doesn't know is that she has a secret. A secret that dates back to the times she lived in Ostwick with her family. </p><p>"It happened. It happened again.<br/>She knew what she was supposed to do in order not to go mad. She had to keep herself busy, just like the last time it happened. Nobody could know about it."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All right, so this was like super difficult to write because... well, speaking from personal experience, being raped is nothing pleasant, right?

They found her in a cold and dark cell, laying unconscious on the floor in a puddle of her own blood. Her hair, usually styled in a neat bun, were now dirty and tangled, her fair skin was covered in dust and numerous bruises and cuts. She didn't have an armor on, probably it was taken away from her at the very beginning. She only had her smallclothes and they also were covered in dirt and blood. 

"Commander!" one of the soldiers shouted, suddenly recovering from the shock he felt after seeing their leader, the Inquisitor, Andraste's Herald in such a state. None of the accompanying soldiers dared to touch her and neither did he. They waited for their commander patienly. 

"Did you find her?" they heard the Commander's voice reaching them quickly as he ran towards their group. 

"Yes, Commander" the soldiers confirmed silently and stepped away to show his supervisor what they found. 

At first, Cullen felt relief, knowing that their search is finally over. They've been looking for her frantically for nearly three hours and he was beginning to lose hope. He was suspecting Samson took her away with him, not wanting to leave the precious Inquisitor behind. But Samson was nowhere to be found. 

Then, he felt panic and terror reaching his mind as he realized the state in which Evelyn was. He immediately took off his coat and covered her exposed body with it. He took her in his arms, embraced her strongly, wanting to just... wake up. Wake up from the nightmare, which started when they found out about Evelyn's disappearance. It was almost three days ago but for Cullen it seemed a lot longer. He knew that with every passing minute Evelyn was suffering and he couldn't do anything about it. So he kept looking for her almost without a break. He barely ate, barely slept... And now, he found her. He was late, though. 

_Maker, no. Don't take her away from me..._

Miraculously, he sensed her faint breathing. 

"She's breathing!" he exclaimed and quickly picked her up. The soldiers looked at each other with confusion. It seemed nearly impossible, she looked so... lifeless. But then again, she survived many life-threathing situations. "Quickly!" Cullen shouted, running towards the exit. "To the camp, bring the healers! Run forward!" he continued without slowing down. 

He had to save her. There was no other way this could end. She would wake up eventually, look at him with her bright, green eyes and smile, revealing those adorable dimples she always hated. 

"Stay with me, Evelyn" he whispered, knowing that she probably didn't hear him "Just stay with me, all right?" 

"Commander, here!" he heard shouting coming from one of the tents they set up. The camp was loud, people were glancing at him from every corner. It seemed that the news about finally finding the Inquisitor have already reached the camp. 

"Put her here" the healer instructed, pointing to a bedroll. "Commander, we have to act quickly" the healer said impatiently, noticing Cullen's unwillingness to leave the Inquisitor's side. Cullen stood up and approached the tent's entrance. He glanced at Evelyn's body one last time and left. 

At the beginning, he didn't know what to do. Evelyn was laying there, fighting for her life and it was the only thing he could concentrate on. But there were people surrounding him, waiting for news, for orders, for anything, really. He just looked at the small crowd and turned around, moving towards his tent. He didn't want anybody to accompany him at that moment, he needed to be alone. 

He sat in his tent and buried his face in his hands, trying very hard not to let the tears fall down his cheeks. No longer than two weeks ago, he kissed her for the first time. It was a bit clumsy but she didn't complain. Cullen was just happy to know she shared his feelings. They tried spending some time together but it was nearly impossible with their responsibilities. 

_I should have told her I loved her._ He thought and remprimanded himself instantly. She will live, the healers will save her and he will have a chance to tell her. 

Time was passing painfully slowly as he was waiting for any information, trying not to imagine worst scenarios. The Inquisition relied on her, it was her leadership that brought them this far and it would definitely fall if she was to die. But it seemed that at that particular moment, the Inquisition's state wasn't really worrying him. He just wanted her to live. 

"Commander" he heard a voice coming from outside "I have news about the Inquisitor's state" 

Cullen's heart skipped a beat and he quickly ran out of his tent. 

"Yes?" he just said with a hoarse voice. 

"Can we go inside?" the woman who was apparently one of the healers asked him politely and he faltered, seeing her worried face. He didn't want to hear Evelyn was dead. "It's all right" she suddenly started again apollogetically "She'll live. There's just... Well, there are things I'd like to discuss with you before you go to see her" 

Cullen felt as if a huge burden was lifted from his heart. _She'll live._ Those words were like salvation for him. Unable to say anything, he gestured the woman to enter his tent. 

"As I've said before, she'll live" the woman started speaking again silently "She sustained heavy injuries and lost a lot of blood but we managed to patch her up. You arrived just in time, a minute later and we wouldn't be able to save her. She should be awake in a day or two" 

Cullen waited impatiently for any 'buts' as he realized the woman wouldn't want to enter his tent without a reason. 

"But..." the woman continued and Cullen felt his muscles going stiff "There's a rather... delicate matter I wished to discuss with you. I scanned her body and... well... Maker, this isn't easy to say" she sighed heavily "Commander, her kidnapper... he forced himself on her" 

Cullen looked at her in dibelief. Her words were barely reaching his mind as he subconsciously tried blocking them. 

"Forced himself..." he repeated absent-mindedly. 

"She was raped" the woman stated firmly, thinking that perhaps the Commander didn't understand her. 

Oh, but he did. The mere thought of Samson's dirty hands reaching for Evelyn made his blood boil with rage. He raped his Evelyn. Cullen wanted to run after the man immediately and kill him. But first, make him suffer. 

"We've already given her potions to avoid conception. I'm telling you this, Commander, because it would be bad for people to know it. The Herald of Andraste should be pure and innocent, at least in people's imagination. When she wakes up, she will probably remember everything and I thought it would be better if you... well, if someone she knew was with her. She might suffer with panic attacks" the healer explained and waited for Cullen's reaction. 

"Thank you" he finally choked in a cracked voice "I'll be there. Is this all?" 

"Yes, Commander" she confirmed with an audible relief in her voice. 

"Then, I should go to the Inquisitor" he stated and they left his tent. 

It was going to be tough, Cullen knew. But for Evelyn, he was ready to face anything. So he steeled himself waiting for her awakening. 

\--- 

Evelyn opened her eyes and looked around. An overwhelming relief poured over her body when she realized the nightmare ended. She was no longer Samson's prisoner. She was freed. Surprisingly, there was no one in the tent with her but she didn't mind because she had time to gather her thoughts. 

She didn't know how much time passed since Samson took her prisoner because all the time she was locked in a room with no windows and with all the beating she received it was extremely difficult to be focused on anything but pain. Quick images came through her mind. Samson kicking her back, which made her lose her breath. Samson pulling her hair so hard she was sure he would just rip them out. Samson bending over her, his pants laying on the floor... 

Evelyn quickly closed her eyes and clneched her fists. 

It happened. It happened _again._

She knew what she was supposed to do in order not to go mad. She had to keep herself busy, just like the last time it happened. Nobody could know about it. They would want to talk about it, about how she felt, maybe even about the details... She couldn't take it. She had to forget it, not dwell on it.

She quickly stood up and faltered, still feeling weak. She examined her body carefully but when she noticed there were no serious injuries, she quickly moved to dress herself. It was fortunate they put her in her own tent. 

She went out of the tent and breathed deeply, trying to calm herself down, repeating silently that it was all going to be all right. Just quickly find a task, some work to do... nothing serious, though, she still was weak but maybe some reports? Yes, the reports, ther were always waiting for her and she would always neglect them. Well, now was the perfect time to check them. They would keep her mind away from the thoughts of Samson. Of his sweating body nudging her violently. Of his sleazy whispers when he... 

She flinched. No, she can't let herself to think of this. 

"Inquisitor! What are you doing?!" she heard Cullen's faimiliar voice as he approached her quickly. "My lady, you should be resting, why are you..." he started but she interrupted him quickly. 

"It's all right, Commander. I feel fine, really" her voice was high-pitched and the words were coming out of her mouth unusually fast "Anyway, I was just on my way back to the tent. You know, work... I have work to do, yes. The reports, they are piling up already" she laughed nervously "I should... I should have a look at them, really" she went back to the tent but Cullen followed her. It was the first time since they met that she really wanted him to leave her alone. 

He would undoubtedly ask her questions and she just wasn't ready. And more importantly, he CAN'T know what really happened back there. 

"Evelyn" Cullen spoke, using her name as they were alone "You need to rest. I mean, you've just woken up, right? You shouldn't get up" 

"Don't worry, Cullen" she answered, trying very hard not to look into his eyes "I'm fine, really. I just need to work, that's all" she tried to sound carefree to make him believe. He had to believe, she just needed to be alone. 

Then, he reached out to touch her arm to caress her gently, to calm her and reassure her that he was there for her. 

But she flinched and jumped back. 

She didn't mean to and she was terrified when she realized what she had done. She looked at him, terror lingering in her eyes. _Maker, please. Maybe he didn't notice..._ She thought but she saw the slight reflection of hurt appearing on his face and she knew, she just knew. 

"Please, Cullen..." she started, not knowing what exactly she wanted to say. Hug me? Tell me everything was just a nightmare? Promise me it will never happen again? If she said it, she would have to explain everything. "Just..." she choked, turning her eyes away from him "I have work to do" she finished silently and turned her back to him. 

_It'll be all right, eventually._ She thought, breathing deeply and looking for the reports. _If I forget, if I bottle it up... it has to be my secret, just like in Ostwick._

She finally found the reports and started working, concentrating completely on the task at hand. It was the only way she was able to forget. 

Time passed surprisingly quickly and the pile was gradually shrinking. Evelyn was so engrossed on the reports that she didn't even notice when the sun began setting down. 

"Evelyn?" she heard the voice near her ear and jumped with shock. 

"Oh, Cullen, it's you" she choked "I... I didn't hear you enter, I was just signing the report I got from Leliana and..." 

"Evelyn, please" Cullen interrupted her harshly, trying to catch her eyes. His face was all but worry. "Can we talk?" he asked silently and she felt her heart beating faster. 

"Talk?" she repeated, feeling her whole body going stiff "Talk about what? There's nothing... I mean... thank you for rescuing me!" she exclaimed and decided to keep to this topic. "Right, I never actually thanked you, silly me" 

"Evelyn..." Cullen started and gently put a hand on her knee. This time, she didn't flinch. "I... I know what happened" 

Evelyn stopped breathing and started shivering slightly. _It's impossible, he can't know it. He probably meant something else..._

"The healer told me." he continued "They've given you some medicine to prevent pregnancy, you don't have to worry about that..." 

"Stop it!" she suddenly screamed, standing up quickly. He looked at her disoriented. "Stop talking about it! No, no, no..." she put her hands on her head as if she wanted to block the images that suddenly flooded her mind. 

Ostwick. The arl's son's hand under her dress, pushing her hard to the wall, covering her mouth to prevent her screams. She wouldn't scream, she was too terrified to give out any sound. His hard erection nudging her violently, his other hand squeezing her breasts. His whispers. You'll never have anyone better than me, you should be happy I'm the one to fuck you first, no one would want a girl like you. You're filthy, dirty. His semen pouring over her thighs. Disgusted with herself. She was a virgin. 

And then, Samson. Cold floor touching her stomach, her wrists twisted in his firm grip. His hard length violating her body. And the smell, Maker, the smell. 

"No, no, no..." she repeated silently as she suddenly felt unable to block the images, to block the memories. Her breath became quick and shallow. 

"Evelyn!" Cullen's voice barely reached her. She started running. She ran out of her tent, ran past other people, ran into the woods... kept running until she had strength. And she didn't have much of it. 

She leaned against a tree and tried to calm her breathing but it was impossible. 

She was overwhelmed with the memories. 

Nobody ever believed her that the arl's son raped her. She tried telling her parents but they never had time for her. When Evelyn told her sister, she laughed at her and called her a liar. She had a friend and also tried telling her but the reaction she received was similar. No one ever believed her what happened. 

So she decided never to speak or think of it again. Sometimes she woke up in the middle of the night with, shivering with fear. Sometimes she felt so lonely and abandoned, she even considered suicide. 

And she always felt filthy. Oh, the time she took to rinse his smell of her skin. She would rub her skin so hard that it almost bled. 

But, with time, she managed to close the memories deep down in her mind. She bottled it up and it was all right. 

Samson's assault awoke everything. 

"Evelyn!" he heard Cullen's voice right behind her. She turned around and looked at him helplessly. He knew. He was never supposed to find out and somehow he did. _Now he's never going to love me._ She thought bitterly as she lowered her head shamefully. He would probably never touch her again, she was dirty and it was a stain that would never come off. If she felt disgusted with herself, then he must be feeling it, too. 

She will never forget the shock that came to her when he put his arms around her and embraced her firmly, when he stroked her hair and cupped her face, wiping her tears with his thumbs. 

"Don't ever run away from me" he whispered. 

Evelyn could no longer keep it all in. 

"Oh, Cullen" she sobbed loudly and started speaking. 

She told him everything. She told him about Ostwick and Samson. She spoke about her feelings, about the things she kept hidden for such a long time and as she was speaking, he held her close, caressed her arms and listened to her carefully. 

He didn't flinch, didn't wince, didn't let her go. And when she finished speaking, still sobbing loudly, he cupped her face again. 

"I want you to know" he said "that from now on I will do everything in my power to keep you safe. No one will ever hurt you like this again, I promise. And when we catch Samson, I'll make sure he gets what he deserves. Come, let's go back to the camp. It's cold and you're exhausted, you have to get some rest."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly NSFW ;)

She needed time to recover from the events and Cullen was always there for her. They spent countless evenings or nights together, only sitting by the fireplace or strolling around Skyhold. For the first time in her life Evelyn felt such a strong bond with another person. She felt she could tell him anything and he would never snub her. He never pushed her, always made sure she had enough time to tell him whatever she wanted to tell and he also opened himself, telling her about his grim past. 

Still, their physical contact was limited. They shared kisses, those delicate and those passionate. She loved drowning in his strong embrace, while he would always bury his face in her neck. Cullen didn't dare to go any further, knowing that it might be too difficult for her, hoping some day she would finally overcome her fears. Evelyn was still too afraid of being rejected, somehow still believing that her body could never be beautiful again. Not after all this... And so, their tormenting dance around each other's feelings and desires lasted. 

Until one night. 

She gently knocked on his door, knowing that at this hour he would be alone and waiting for her. When she pushed the door and entered his office, she wasn't really surprised to see him sitting by his desk, buried in his work. 

"Evelyn, you're here" he said, noticing her and sounding a bit relieved. He stood up, leaving his work on the desk and Evelyn wondered if there ever was a moment for him not to be afraid of her not coming to pay him a visit. 

"Of course, I am" she smiled and closed the door behind her. "And I intend to steal my Commander for a bit, do you mind?" she asked playfully, approaching him and giving him a gentle kiss on cheek. 

"Not at all" he replied grinning at her. "What do plan to do with him?" 

"Oh, well... I don't know yet, maybe..." she started and then pressed her lips to his, this time kissing him much more forcefully. 

She wanted him, wanted him so much. She felt this desire burning in her for such a long time... it was almost painful to hold back. But then, there was this fear... 

He grabbed her waist and pulled her strongly to him, making the kiss even more passionate. He needed her. It was almost like a torture, to look at her, to hold her and still, to be unable to do anything more. But Evelyn was special to him, he never knew he could love someone so much and he intended to keep her beside him. If waiting for her was the price, he was willing to pay it. 

She put her arms around his neck and let out a silent moan, instantly feeling embarrased because of it. She never allowed herself to display such emotions but this kiss... it was so different than any other kisses. 

Perhaps it was because of their waiting. Perhaps they were both so hungry for each other's touch, so eager to finally let their emotions loose that they simply couldn't wait any longer. 

Feeling pleasant buzzing in their heads they continued kissing and it was the first time they kissed in such a hungry and impatient way. 

She clawed at his back, feeling relieved he wasn't wearing his armor. He pulled away from her lips only to lick her neck. She felt a surprising warm between her thighs and as she felt his erection becoming harder, she decided. 

As if he heard her thoughts, he suddenly stopped and looked at her, cupping her face, worry and insecurity painting all over him. 

"Are you sure?" he asked "I mean... do you want... are you ready?" 

She didn't answer immediately. She observed him carefully, realizing that he was the man with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life. 

Cullen got a little nervous when she didn't say anything. "If you don't want to... we can wait, I completely understand..." he started again but she interrupted him quickly. 

"No, Cullen" she said "I... I want it. I want you" 

He looked at her and felt as if the three words awoke something in him. Something he didn't know existed. An insurmountable desire to _be with her._

They were kissing while Cullen began pulling her towards the ladder. He wanted the experience to be the best for her. Given everything she went through, never knowing that sex can be pleasurable... It was the least he could offer her. 

They reached his bed and Cullen took his shirt off. She marvelled at his muscled body, putting hand on his chest. He took her hand and pushed it to his heart to make her feel the beating. 

Her eyes were wide open and she held her breath when she slowly took off her own shirt. She didn't dare to look at his reaction so she lowered her head ashamedly and tried covering herself with her own hands. 

"You're beautiful" he whispered, tilting to her ear, and started kissing her again. 

He leaned her on the bed and caressed every inch of her body, slowly taking off the rest of her clothes. Finally, they were both completely naked but Evelyn didn't feel ashamed anymore. Not with him. 

She parted her legs and he bent over her, looking straight into her eyes, a silent question ligering on the tip of his tongue. 

"I want it, Cullen" she said before he managed to speak "I want you, all of you" 

He kissed her again, wondering if it was possible to desire someone more than he desired Evelyn at that moment. 

And then he slowly entered her. She was warm and slick, and Cullen could barely restrain himself from thrusting into her with his whole power. Instead, he fixed his gaze on her face. He wanted to be sure she was all right. 

'All right' wasn't exactly the term Evelyn would use to describe her state. Ecstatic. Exhilarated. Exultant. Maybe these words would have been better but they still wouldn't describe everything she felt at that moment. 

At the beginning, she gasped and held her breath. She put her hands on Cullen's chest as if she wanted to stop him but she didn't push. And when he finally entered her fully, he allowed herself to let out a single moan. It was new to her. She never knew this could be so pleasant. She only had sex two times before and both times were filled with pain and shame. Now, this... this was something entirely different. 

With each thrust of his hips, they were beginning to feel more secure. Cullen began going faster and Evelyn's groaning was getting louder. 

They were no longer afraid and when she reached her climax, she was just so shocked it felt this good. He finished right after her, fillling her with his seed. 

They looked at each other with no fear, no regret, no hesitation. 

"I love you" she finally choked. 

"I love you, too" he responded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it to be only with two chapters but then I had an idea of dealing with her oppressors so maybe I will extend it a bit. But I'm not sure yet, to be honest.


	3. Chapter 3

Corypheus was defeated and the celebration seemed never ending. She also had the opportunity to deal with Samson, which was a difficult experience but Cullen was always there for her and with his support she managed to survive it. The Inquisition became one of the most important powers in Thedas, which made the Inquisitor the most popular person. Evelyn never liked being in the center of attention but she was doing what had to be done. After the extensive celebration, she simply came back to work and after a couple of weeks, she was beginning to form the impression of being trapped in the Inquisition's diplomatic area. It seemed as if every noble in Thedas wanted to meet the Inquisitor and thank her for saving the world. Josephine was constantly complaining about Skyhold's arrangements or about the dishes they served to their noble guests but everybody knew that being able to prepare and arrange all the meetings was like being in the seventh heaven for her. Some of their noble guests had to stay for two or three days so it all had to be planned very carefully to ensure there always was a room to spare. Evelyn could not express her gratitude towards her Ambassador. All those meetings just caused her headaches and sitting on her throne was so uncomfortable that she had to ask Cullen to rub her back in the evening several times already. 

In fact, Cullen was the only bright point in her busy schedule. After the battle with Corypheus, she decided that she would no longer waste any precious time she was given to spend with her lover so she simply asked him to move in to her chamber. At first, Cullen mumbled something about gossips or appearances but he didn't resist for long. He missed her terribly whenever she wasn't around so he moved his belongings to her chamber, which now they called _their_ chamber. Although there has been an idea in Cullen's head to make their relationship formal, he decided to pop out with the big question when all the nobles leave their home. Which, apparently, wasn't going to be very soon. 

Evelyn was sitting on her throne, barely listening to a man standing in front of her, who was flattering the Inquisition for more than fifteen minutes now. At the beginning, when Evelyn noticed his speech was longer than the usual ones she received, she marvelled at his ability to talk about the same thing over and over again but eventually, she got really bored with it. However, she couldn't interrupt him as Josephine warned her that this particular noble was a rather important person so she just sat there and waited, looking around the room impatiently, waiting for an appropriate moment to speak. There were nobles gathered in small groups in literally every corner of the room and Evelyn let out a heavy sigh, realizing that this day is far from being over. She let her eyes wander around the people's faces while her mind was dwelling on the things she would do in the evening. Oh, how she really wanted to just jump into a hot bath with a glass of wine, and maybe a certain Commander at her side... 

Suddenly, she stopped daydreaming and her heart skipped a beat. She thought the face she saw was familiar... she focused her eyes on the man standing in the opposite corner of the room. He was rather young and elegant, and something about his facial features made her uneasy. She could swear she knew him but she couldn't remember exactly... 

And then, it hit her. It was _him._

Well, of course, he was a noble, right? How could she not predict that? Her breathing became faster and the room appeared to be stiff. Panic was slowly reaching her mind. She needed to get out of there, and soon. 

Miraculously, at the same moment, the man standing in front of her finished his speech and bowed slightly. Josephine was ready to announce another noble but she noticed the Inquisitor signaling her to approach the throne. 

"Inquisitor? Something wrong?" Lady Ambassador asked politely. 

"Yes, I... I need..." Evelyn suddenly forgot all the words and her mind seemed to be painfully empty. The only thing she knew for certain was that if she stayed there a minute longer, she would probably break down in front of everyone. That would have been quite the show, no doubt. "J-josephine..." Evelyn whispered, grabbing the woman's hand, fixing her gaze on her face, trying to make her understand without words. 

"Are you sick?" Josephine asked worryingly, noticing the Inquisitor's body shaking and sweating. "We can call a short break, wait a second" she said and turned to face the crowd, to announce the Inquisitor's momentary indisposition, promising her quick return. Evelyn seriously doubted her ability to walk into the room again if _he_ was still there but she said nothing. She just stood up and leaned on Josephine, hoping she wouldn't collapse on the ground. 

Josephine led her to her chamber, helping her with climbing all the steep stairs. "Inquisitor? What happened?" she finally asked when they entered Evelyn's chamber and closed the door. "Are you sick? Maker, you're so pale! Shall I send for a healer?" 

"No!" Evelyn exclaimed, immediately regretting her own rudeness "It... won't be necessary" she spoke again, this time in a bit gentler manner as she leaned against her desk, trying to regain the ability to control her body. "It's fine, really. I just needed some air. Can you... Can you please, leave me alone for a minute? I could use a break" she asked Josephine politely. 

"Of course. Oh, I knew you were working too hard, Leliana was scowling at me for making all the meetings at once, she warned me you might not like it, I'm so sorry..." Josephine started, thinking that Evelyn was simply overworked. 

"It's fine, Josephine, really" Evelyn said impatiently "It's not your fault, I promise. I just... ten minutes, all right? Just give me ten minutes and I'll be fine" she reassured her friend, although she wasn't entirely sure whether it was true. 

"Of course" Josephine said and left the room quickly. 

Evelyn felt the world spinning around her. It was him, there was no doubt. She cursed herself for not checking the lists with names that Josephine gave her this morning. She always received a note from her ambassador with information concerning the nobles she was supposed to meet each day but she didn't pay attention to them because they were extremely boring. And now she had her punishment. 

She thought she was over it. She dealt with Samson, Cullen gave her so much love, so much care... she felt loved and protected. It's been such a long time since she last thought about the arl's son. Cullen helped her forget and she was sure she would never have to face the nightmare again. Oh, how wrong she was. 

She started frantically looking for a glass of water as she was sure she had one somewhere on her desk but she found herself unable to control her movements. It was too much, all the images appearing once again in her head, the images of which she thought she got rid. 

Suddenly, the door opened and Evelyn nearly screamed. 

"Love?" Cullen spoke, surprised and worried with her reaction "Josephine told me you weren't well. What is it?" he asked, approaching her quickly and putting a hand on her forehead. 

"Cullen" she whispered "He's here" 

Cullen looked at her, unable to understand what she meant. "Who's here, Evelyn?" 

"He" she repeated and faltered slightly. Cullen quickly caught her and held her firmly, terrified of her reactions "The arl's son" she continued and at that moment, Cullen understood and felt his blood freeze. "He's here in Skyhold. He came here with other nobles. Cullen, I can't go in there, I don't... I can't, do you understand?" 

"Hush, my love" he said, trying to calm her down "I'm here. Nothing will happen, he's not going to hurt you, I promise" 

"But I can't go back there" she sobbed and felt hot tears falling down her cheeks. "I just can't. And Josephine will want me to go there and face him, I don't know how, please, don't make me..." she pleaded but she knew her pleas would be impossible to fulfill. 

"Evelyn, look at me" Cullen said firmly, although he felt as if his heart shattered into little pieces when he watched Evelyn in such a state. "You are strong and brave, you can do it. He can't hurt you anymore, no one can. And I will be there, I'm not going to leave you, all right?" 

She looked at him with a mixture of hope, gratitude and fear lingering in her eyes. "You will?" 

"Yes. Just sit for a minute, here, have a glass of water" he said, helping her to sit down on a chair "I'll go talk with Josephine. Don't worry, I won't tell her anything, I'll just explain that you're not feeling well so I have to be there in case anything happens, all right?" he reassured and planted a gentle kiss on her cheek. She simply nodded and took a glass from his hands. 

While she was waiting for Cullen to come back, she realized that these demons would never let her go. They would always haunt her. So she had to learn how to fight them. 

_Maker… I defeated Corypheus. Think I can handle some noble prick, right?_ She tried reassuring herself but her hands didn’t want to stop shaking. It was as if her body refused to listen to her mind. She tried taking deep breaths but it didn’t help. Nothing helped. 

Cullen came back quickly and offered her his arm. “We can go if you’re ready” he said “The faster we deal with this noble crowd, the sooner we’ll be able to send them back home” 

She tried smiling at him but, surely, the thing she did with her face was nowhere near a smile. She took his arm and stood up, knowing that she wasn’t ready at all but also realizing that there will never be a good time to do this. 

“Don’t worry” Cullen whispered when they approached the door “I’ll be right there, I won’t let anyone hurt you” 

Evelyn slowly moved towards her throne and Cullen stood next to the door to their chamber so that she could see him, when she sat on her place. She tried not to turn her eyes towards her rapist, instead she focused on nobles that were standing in front of her, one by one, offering their eternal gratitude and alliance with the Inquisition. Suddenly, all the sounds were more audible for her. She heard everything so clearly she thought she was losing her mind. Every whisper, every laughter, every creak of the floor… People came and went, all eyes turned towards her and even if it didn’t bother her earlier, at that moment she felt watched, observed. 

Her heart was beating extremely loudly when it was time for _him_ to stand in front of the Inquisitor’s throne. She quickly glanced towards Cullen and noticed him straightening up, putting his hand on his sword's hilt and scowling at the man with fury. Evelyn only hoped it was a good idea for Cullen to be there, hoped that her lover wouldn’t do anything unwise. If he attacked the man right now, in front of everyone, it would grant a huge scandal and the Inquisition couldn’t afford it. 

Josephine announced the man loudly and he bowed. Evelyn was breathing quickly, feeling her chest rise and fall as she begged the Maker to give her enough strength to go through it. Then, the man looked straight into her eyes and smirked. Evelyn felt paralyzed, unable to move, she barely let herself breath. 

“My Lady Inquisitor, it is an honor for me to stand here today and offer my sincere gratitude for everything you’ve done for Thedas and for Redcliffe. My father wishes to send his apologies for not being able to arrive here today. I’m afraid he’s not feeling very well these days” the man started speaking and Evelyn allowed herself to glance quickly into Cullen’s direction. Somehow, knowing he stood there, ready to defend her if necessary made her feel a bit better. Cullen was standing by the wall and Evelyn thought he looked like a lion, waiting to attack at a convenient moment. Nobody else was able to see it but Evelyn knew he was furious. 

Evelyn nodded in response, unable to choke a word. Then, the man said something that made her feel weak and defenseless. “I’m sure, Inquisitor, you won’t be offended with my words but I do recall we’ve met before. I was wondering if you remember our first meeting? Because I remember it very clearly” his words sounded innocent to a bystander. He was calm, smiling all the time, his voice was gentle and silent. Nobody could guess the true meaning of his speech. Nobody but Evelyn and Cullen. 

She clenched her fists, trying to calm herself down. She could not break down, had to be strong, had to survive it with dignity. 

_What dignity? He took it away from you the night he raped you._ Some vicious voice in her head spoke up and she felt her body tremble. Then, she noticed Cullen making a step towards them, his face barely hiding his annoyance anymore, and she knew she had to act quickly. 

“The Inquisition is grateful for your presence today, dear sir” she said, trying to sound as calm as ever. It was enough for the man to nod and turn around. But he didn’t leave the room. He stood by the opposite wall and kept her eyes on her. 

Evelyn thought that it was going to be an extremely long day. 

\--- 

Finally, the sun set down and Evelyn was free to retire for the evening. Usually she would go straight to the kitchen, ordering some food for her and Cullen but somehow she didn’t feel hungry at all. Cullen opened the door to their chamber and she followed him quickly. 

The moment he closed the door behind them, she threw herself into his arms with a loud sobbing. He embraced her gently, caressed her back and waited for her to stop crying. Maker knows he was just as emotionally exhausted as her. Watching her on the throne, unable to take away her pain… it was more than he could take. But he did take it. For her, he would endure much more. 

He felt his rage waking up again when he remembered the arl’s son words, spoken so audaciously towards her. Cullen wanted to just ran towards the man and rip him apart, he could barely control himself. 

Evelyn wouldn’t stop crying so he gently lifted her in his arms and laid her on their bed. 

“Shh… my love, it’s all right” he whispered, cupping her face. 

“N-nothing’s all right, Cullen” she stammered “He’s here, I don’t want him here. Did you hear what he said? It was a threat, I know it was. He’d do it again…” 

Cullen knew she was right but didn’t say it out loud. It was a clear threat, there was no doubt about that. “You need not worry, Evelyn” he said silently, wiping out her tears “We’re in Skyhold, there are soldiers everywhere and he wouldn’t dare to do anything. We can tell Josephine and Leliana, maybe there is a way to lock him…” he started but Evelyn interrupted him immediately. 

“NO!” she shouted with terror “No, don’t! Please, Cullen” she grabbed his hands and held them so tight that Cullen was surprised with her strength “You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone, you promised it would be our secret! What if they don’t believe? I can’t go through it again, nobody would believe it. We don’t have any proof and…” 

“Evelyn, easy” Cullen said, feeling scared of her strong reaction “I won’t do anything without your consent” he promised and sighed with relief when he noticed her tension loosen a bit. It wasn’t wise not to inform anyone else about the possible danger but it also wouldn’t be wise to tell them if Evelyn didn’t want it. “I’m here, my love” he said, cradling her in his arms “No one can hurt you.” 

She soon fell asleep, still in her clothes, exhausted with all the emotions and feeling safe in Cullen’s strong embrace. 

\--- 

She woke up very early in the morning. The sun just began to rise and Skyhold was unusually silent. She knew she couldn’t stay in bed any longer, remembering yesterday’s events and decided to make use of this free time she had before the day starts and to go for some training. She almost didn’t have time to train since she started being bombarded with the political meetings and she really missed it. 

Carefully, she got up, trying not to wake Cullen up. She changed her clothes, washed her face and left the room, closing the door as silently as she could. She went down the steep, spiral stairs, excited with a mere thought of the possibility to hold her daggers one more time. After a short training, she intended to visit the kitchen and bring Cullen some breakfast. 

She was halfway through the stairs when she felt a strong grip on her wrist, which immediately changed into a painful twist. There was another strong hand on her lips, making sure she wouldn’t scream. 

“Well, dear Inquisitor, here we are again” she heard a familiar whisper and froze with fear.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short, sorry :(

She felt paralyzed, numb with an overwhelming feeling of panic. She wanted to shout as loudly as possible, thinking that maybe she would wake Cullen up but she found herself unable to give out any sound. Barely breathing, she closed her eyes, wishing it was just a nightmare, perhaps if she opened her eyes she would be laying in bed, safe and sound in her lover's arms. But then, she opened them again and she still felt his strong grip on her wrist, his sleazy fingers on her lips and his hot breath on her neck. 

"Perhaps I should remind you how we first met, Inquisitor? You didn't seem to recall it" he whispered and pushed her on the wall, grinding fiercely to her body and licking her neck. She felt utterly disgusted with herself. She had to do something, had to act but her head was terrifyingly empty and as she felt tears welling up in her eyes, she knew there was no escape. 

"We should refresh your memory" he continued "But you have to be quiet, we don't want to startle your precious Commander. You certainly wouldn't like him to see you like this, would you?" 

She let the tears flow as she realized he was right. As much as she desperately wanted for Cullen to save her, she also wasn't sure whether she was going to be able to look into his face if he saw this. So when her oppressor pulled his hand away from her lips, she only allowed herself to let out a barely audible sob. 

"Good girl" he said and grabbed her breast, squeezing it forcefully. He groaned into her ear and she winced with pain and shame, feeling an urge to vomit. She couldn't believe the nightmare from her past was repeating itself. 

They were still standing on steep stairs so it was difficult to keep balance as he started nudging against her. She actually realized that only his strong grip was holding her limp body. 

"Now, maybe we'll change the scenario a bit?" he continued, panting heavily "You'll go down on your knees and pleasure me a little, what do you say? Last time you were less experienced but I'm sure you've spent many sleepless nights with your Commander, so you should know how this works" 

When she heard his words, her whole body started trembling involuntarily. Was it even possible for the situation to get worse? 

_No... no, no, no, I can't do it._ She thought and decided to fight her shame. She needed help and as quickly as possible. 

So she shrieked loudly. 

Immediately she felt her wrists being twisted even harder and she moaned with pain as he pushed her head hard to the wall.

"You bitch!" he screamed with fury "You'll pay for that" he added and started pulling down her pants. 

The world around her started whirling and there was a loud thumping in her head, caused by hitting her head on the wall. She also felt a trickle of warm blood on her forehead but she barely paid attention to it. She was surprised how she managed to think how fortunate it was for her to decide on pants that day. Maybe, just maybe, Cullen would hear her screaming, maybe he would wake up and check what was going on. He was always ready to act, always ready to help other people. It was one of the many things that she loved about him. 

_Cullen, please, wake up._ She thought, trying to fight the arl's son's hands as he struggled to unbutton her clothing. _Maker, please... If I ever did something that pleased you... please just... help me..._

Doubt started reaching her mind as she realized the fact that recently Cullen has been sleeping better. With all the tension gone, with his lyrium withdrawal syndromes almost gone, basically with them being happy together, he started getting a good night's sleep and it was beginning to be difficult to wake him up in the morning. 

"Shit!" the man cursed under his nose when he still couldn't pull her pants down. He suddenly decided to deal with his clothing first and when she felt his hard erection touching her back, she just knew it was lost. The fight was lost. She lost. 

She remembered how a couple of days ago she was laying with Cullen in their bed, laughing and telling the stories. She remembered how good it felt to be next to him, how much she loved those moments, how much she cherished the possibility to just hear him laugh... and she clung to the thought as she heard a dull thud of her buttons falling down the stairs

"Finally!" the man exclaimed, unable to control himself any longer. 

"Evelyn!" she heard Cullen's voice echoing through the staircase and saw his silhouette through tears approaching them quickly. 

Then, she felt her attacker push her strongly and she lost balance. 

As she was falling down the stairs, she thought about the fact that Cullen rescued her. He came and saved her. 

After that, everything went black and she felt nothing.


	5. Chapter 5

She woke up with a terrible headache. Warm rays of sunlight were resting upon her face and she winced as she tried to open her eyes. 

_Well, this is strange... I'm in our bed?_ She thought when she finally managed to look at the ceiling. She immediately recognized the familiar scent of Cullen and at the same time she felt something laying on her hand. Tilting her head she saw Cullen, kneeling by the bed, his head resting by her side. He put his hand on her palm and it seemed as if he was sleeping. She hesitated for a moment but decided to move a bit because she was extremely uncomfortable. 

Her movement startled Cullen and he quickly turned his shocked face towards her. Shock was quickly replaced with a genuine relief. 

"You're awake" he whispered and gently cupped her face. "How do you feel? Are you all right? Should I send someone to bring the healers?" At first, she was unable to say a word, trying to wrap her head around what she thought had happened. 

"Was it..." she started but her voice was hoarse and Cullen quickly gave her a glass of water. 

"Here, drink it" he said, helping her with the glass. 

"Was it a dream?" she asked hopefully after taking a sip, but when she looked at Cullen's face the answer was painfully obvious. 

"I'm... sorry, my love" he spoke silently "It wasn't a dream. But he didn't manage to... I ran to him and..." Cullen started stammering and his adorable blushes were on his cheeks. And although Evelyn wasn't in a greatest mood, she managed to smile at his words. 

"I know, Cullen" she interrupted him, squeezing his hand "Thank you. You saved me" 

"No... don't say that" he lowered his eyes ashamed "I didn't. I should have been there with you. None of this would have happened if I just listened to you. You said that, the night before, you said that he would try to rape you again and I underrated the danger, I never should have neglected your words, it's all my fault..." 

"Hey, hey, Cullen, stop" she interrupted him, her heart pounding loudly in her chest "You can't blame yourself, I won't allow it. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't mine. There's only one person to blame there. And Cullen, if it wasn't for you, I would... I want you to understand..." she continued, trying to get up to reach his face "You _have to_ understand. I was praying for you to come and save me. And you did. You saved me, my love" 

They looked at each other, both having tears in their eyes, both unable to fully explain what they wanted to say. Cullen put a gentle kiss on her lips. 

"I was so scared... I thought I was going to lose you" he whispered and she just smiled. 

"It is a habit of mine, right? To scare you, I can't get rusty in it, you know" she said playfully, trying to make him feel just a bit better. 

"You're a bad woman" he answered, a weak smile lingering on his lips. 

After a moment of silence, she finally dared to ask "What happened?" 

Cullen took a deep breath and started speaking "Well... I heard you waking up and getting ready to go out. I thought I was going to join you quickly but then I fell asleep... I was tired and didn't realize... I should have followed you immediately..." as the stammering started again, Evelyn gently put a hand on his face. 

"Cullen" she said loudly and it was enough for him to understand. No blame, no guilt, nobody's fault. 

"Your shriek woke me up again. At first, I didn't know, I thought I had dreamt it but then I heard some strange, muffled noises on a staircase and decided to go check on it. And then, I saw you. And him" Cullen's fists clenched "He was... He was trying to... And I just shouted your name and he got scared, I guess. He pushed you and started running away. I wanted to catch you but I was too late, I didn't manage... you fell down, all the way down and... Maker..." he sighed and closed his eyes. 

"Cullen" she spoke up again gently "I'm here now. I'm all right. Please, my love. Please, just stop blaming yourself" 

After a couple of minutes of silence, Cullen started again "I immediately called for the healers. You looked as if you weren't going to make it, Andraste preserve me, you looked as if you just died in front of my eyes. There was blood everywhere, it was coming out from the wound on the back of your head. But the healers took good care of you..." Cullen planted a tender kiss on her forehead. 

"You never left my side, right?" she asked, noticing black circles around his eyes. 

"No" he admitted, although he knew Evelyn wasn't going to like it. She never liked it when he pushed himself too hard. "But I couldn't leave you" 

"How long was I out?" Evelyn asked, feeling a bit anxious about the answer. She sincerely hoped it wasn't too long. 

"A day and a night. Which is just as the healers predicted, they told me you were going to need some rest..." 

" _You_ need rest, Cullen" she interrupted him "Have you been eating at all?" she asked, frustration ready to burst out, trying to get up from the bed, but Cullen held her. 

"No, don't get up, you have to..." he started but Evelyn didn't let him finish. 

"I have to make sure you'll live when I get better" 

"All right, all right" he said, waving his hands in a gesture of surrender. "How about eating here?" he offered "I'll bring us some food and you'll eat with me" 

She beamed at him and laid down again. "That would be great" she said silently. However, as Cullen was readying himself to leave the room, she asked one more question. The question of which she was terrified. 

"Cullen... what about..." she stumbled and lowered her eyes "where is... Did you manage to catch him?" she finally choked. 

Cullen approached her and once again grabbed her hands. 

"He's in the dungeons" he said and awaited her response. 

"Oh... you caught him. He's locked. Uhm... that's... good" 

"Trust me, if I was the one to catch him, he would be dead already" Cullen reassured, seeing her panic. "He was captured by our guards after I ordered them to do so. Josephine said it would be better to leave him for your judgement. Oh, and everybody expressed their opinion on what should be done about him" he added, trying to enlighten Evelyn's mood again "You wouldn't believe how creative your companions can get when it comes to punishing someone who attacked you. For instance, Dorian..." Cullen stopped, seeing that his talking wasn't really helping. Evelyn was looking at him, her eyes wide with fear and her chest rising and falling faster than a minute ago. "Evelyn?" he asked. 

"They... know?" she gasped while her breathing was becoming louder. Cullen knew that she was still weak so panic attack was not necessarily the best thing to occur at that time. He quickly put his hands on her shoulders. 

"Evelyn, easy. Breath, all right?" 

"Why did you... tell them..." she gasped, trying very hard to calm down and failing miserably as all sorts of thoughts were suddenly rushing through her mind. "Everybody knows... They'll call me a liar. They will laugh and point fingers" 

"Stop!" he exclaimed, shocked with her accusations "Stop it, Evelyn! They are your friends and they love you dearly. They would never... You can't think that, you just can't" he gently squeezed her signaling her to look at him "Yesterday, you were laying here unconscious, we didn't know how long it would take you to wake up and everybody was coming here to check on you, everybody at least once spoke to you while you were sleeping. They were all worried sick about you. They would kill this fucking noble ass with their bare hands if they could. And so would I" he finally embraced her strongly and cradled her in his strong arms. 

His words reached her mind and she started processing them slowly. They... believed? 

Cullen was right. They were her friends. Not like the ones she had in Ostwick. These friends she gathered here, in Skyhold, they were true. And they believed her. 

"I know..." she whispered as she turned to face Cullen again "I'm sorry" 

"You don't need to be sorry for anything, my love" he simply answered. 

They were sitting in silence for several minutes, Cullen still holding her tightly. Suddenly, Evelyn let out a silent chuckle and he looked at her surprised. 

"You know, Commander, I don't think I've ever heard you cursing" 

\--- 

The party was loud and buzzing. Everybody was either sitting by the table or dancing in the middle of the tavern. Evelyn thought she had never felt happier in her life. 

"Ugh, I'm so glad all those nobles are finally gone" Cassandra said, sitting next to her, holding a mug of beer. 

"Yeah, me too" Evelyn answered smiling brightly, thinking that this was perhaps the first time she saw Cassandra relax. 

"Especially that stupid pissbag, stupid noble fucks" Sera joined them and she was apparently beginning to feel tipsy "The way you told him to piss off, ohhhh, it was something to watch, yeah? Still, you should have just let me put an arrow into his stupid, noble arse" 

It was also the first time Evelyn felt she was able to talk about these things. She was among her friends and they respected her and loved her the way she was. It was such a relief to be able not to pretend anymore. The burden she was carrying for so many years was now gone. The arl's son was judged a couple of days ago. Evelyn thought it turned out pretty interesting. Josephine and Leliana worked together to find out as much as possible about the man and they learned that he has been poisoning his own father for some time. Evelyn announced it publicly in front of every noble that was present in Skyhold at that time, which of course, was just an addition to the rest of his charges. Naturally, it caused a huge scandal and the man was simply finished. Evelyn gladly sent him with a group of soldiers straight to his father who in return offered the Inquisition many benefits as a gesture of gratitude. 

"It would be rather inappropriate" Josephine spoke up, approaching them as she heard Sera's comment "However, I do believe you had every right to do so" 

Evelyn looked and her Ambassador surprised. It was unusal of the woman to support any behavior that would be inconsistent with political and social rules but Evelyn suspected the glass of wine she was holding in her hand for most of the night certainly had something to do with her lighthearted attitude. 

"Thank you, Josephine" Evelyn spoke and then she felt a hand on her shoulder. 

"There you are! I've been looking all over for you!" It was Dorian who was also in an exceptionally good mood "Well, actually, for all of you so it's quite fortunate you're all here... " he stopped and suspiciously looked around the women "Wait, you're all here? What are you gossiping about? I need to hear _everything_!" he exclaimed with excitement. 

"We're not gossiping" Evelyn laughed as Cassandra snorted. 

"Oh, my dear, you break my heart with such lies!" he teased but didn't wait for an answer "Never mind, though. Varric sent me to ask you if would you like to go and play cards?" he asked. 

"Varric sent you? Right" she answered ironically "And you had no intention of asking us to join you" 

Dorian laughed wholeheartedly and offered her and Cassandra his arms. "Let's go, then, girls" he said. Cassandra rolled her eyes in an attempt to look frustrated. 

"Oh dear" Josephine suddenly said, looking around "Where's Sera? She's been here a minute ago" 

"She's either drunk enough to crawl into some corner of the tavern, or she's just trying to escape the Wicked Grace again" Dorian answered "I could swear she missed the last game intentionally" 

Evelyn reached to grab Dorian's arm but then, she heard a voice behind her. 

"Can I borrow you for a minute?" 

Cullen was standing right behind her, smiling widely and awaiting her response. 

"Of course" she said quickly and grabbed his arm instead of Dorian's. 

"Don't be late, we won't wait forever!" Dorian shouted as Evelyn and Cullen left.

They strolled around Skyhold and held hands. The night was chilly but it was somewhat refreshing to be able to escape the tavern's hustle and bustle. Cullen was leading and she barely paid attention to where they were going so when he finally stopped, she was surprised to notice they were on the battlements. 

"Do you remember when we first kissed?" he suddenly asked, looking straight into her eyes. 

"Of course I do, I thought you were going to kill that poor man that interrupted us" she laughed, burying her face in his mantle. 

She felt as if she was the happiest girl in the world. 

"Well... there is something I..." he started, making a step back and nervously rubbing back of his neck. Evelyn knew this gesture all too well and she got worried. 

"Something's wrong?" she asked. 

"No! No, of course not... Unless... Are you happy?" he suddenly asked. 

"I am" she simply said and smiled. 

"Good. I mean... great, yes... Evelyn, there's something I wanted to ask you" 

He knelt in front of her and Evelyn's heart skipped a beat. With all the joy that filled her heart, she was barely able to believe it. 

"I love you and I can't imagine my life without you" he said, after he pulled out a small box and opened it, revealing the most beautiful ring she's ever seen "Will you marry me?" 

For a moment, she forgot how to use words so she just fell down on her knees next to him and held him tightly, letting out a silent sob. He put his arms around her and asked with worry in his voice "Evelyn?" 

"Yes!" she suddenly burst out "Yes, I will, of course I will!" 

They helped each other with standing up and kissed passionately. 

She definitely was the happiest girl in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for reading, commenting, and for kudos! They make me so happy :)


End file.
